Dear Jackie
by letsbefrankimawkward
Summary: Songfic. This is after the series finale. Hyde writes a letter to Jackie explaing himself. Lyrics To Hate Me by Blue October


Note: Just a oneshot. This is a letter written by Hyde to Jackie explaining himself to her. It was inspired obviously by the characters and by the song "Hate Me" by Blue October, a great band. I just put the lyrics at the bottom. Listen to it. It's a great song.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but I can't imagine anyone thinking I did.

Dear Jackie,

You know I'm not good with words. You of all people know I'm not good with words. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry about a lot of things. More than you will ever know. So let me just say it again. I'm sorry.

I'm not a good person, Jackie. Not even close. I don't know why you think I am or ever thought that I was, but you shouldn't. I know you don't like it when people tell you what to do, but you have to listen to me at least just this once. I'm not the guy you ever thought I was. I do, however, think I'm better because of you.

Before you, I was just a druggie. A drunk in denial. I was a nobody. I feel like a little less of a nobody now because of you. You inspired me. You still do.

I hope I'm doing okay so far. If not, I apologize. I'm doing the best I can. I promise you this time. I really am doing to best I can.

When I was with you, I had everything I could ever want in my hands, I just didn't know it. I wish I had. I wish so much that I had. But I just didn't. I think that I always said 'I don't know' to your questions because I thought there was something else I was supposed to be looking for; I just didn't know what that thing was. I realize now that what I was looking for was you. What I was trying to find was you. You were right in front of me, but I was looking past you. Thinking the thing I wanted was farther away than it really was. Thinking it was something different. It wasn't. It was you, Jackie. I'm sorry I was so far sighted. I guess I just never thought that it could be possible to have everything you want while still being so young in life. You knew. I didn't.

I'm insecure, but I try my hardest never to let it show. That's why I cheated. My insecurities got the best of me when I saw you with Kelso on the couch in Donna's living room. But I should have confronted you. I wish I had talked to you about it instead of jumping to conclusions. And even then, I shouldn't have cheated on you. Even if you had cheated on me, though I know that you didn't nor would you ever, I shouldn't have cheated. I shouldn't have hurt you. It wasn't like it would have solved anything. It never can. I admit that I wanted to hurt you at the time. Just know that I hated that feeling and still do. The feeling of hurting you and even wanting to hurt you. I made me nauseous. It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

I shouldn't have said you couldn't be alone with Kelso. Even after the 'get off my boyfriend' fiasco. It was just something you had to say. I don't really understand why, but I trust that you had a good reason for saying it. Even if you don't know what it is, deep down, there's a reason. Kelso and I are the cheaters. Not you. Even that kiss you had with Todd the Cheese guy while you were with Kelso. That was nothing. You were upset and he took advantage of your vulnerable state. Even if not, Kelso was such a jerk while you guys had been dating, with all the cheating he had done before, he had it coming. I won't lie though. I wasn't surprised when you took him back. That was how you guys were then. It's okay, though. It was a high school romance.

You and Kelso had a high school romance. Not you and me.

What we had was much different. I don't doubt that you were at one time in love with Kelso. But it was, at least I hope and pray that it was, a different kind of love with me. After your relationship with Kelso crashed and burned, you made a vow to never be with another man who cheated on you. You broke that vow, and looking back, I'm a little upset that you did. I'm not blaming you. Believe me, I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming me for hurting you again and then acting like a dick and making wait you all summer. I was just an arrogant jerk. A dumbass.

You're going to hate me for this, but I'm okay with that. Every time you took me back, it was the dumbest thing you ever did. All I did was hurt you. And while I am grateful for all the chances you gave me, you shouldn't have given them to me. I didn't deserve them. I didn't deserve any of them.

Sam was something entirely different. Looking back, I think I let her stay to keep you away from me. I was hurt when you seemed to get over it so easily, but I should have known better. People don't give you enough credit. You can really put on a good show when you want to. And you did. You had everyone convinced that you were over it including me. Now I know better.

Sam has been gone for a while now, but it hasn't really made much of a difference. I'll be honest. I was a little upset when she left. Not much, but a little. Just because I didn't have anything to focus on anymore. But now that she's gone, I'm glad she left. I'm also glad that we were never really married. If there was ever anyone I should have married in a drunken haze or at all, it should have been you.

Please just know this: I didn't love Sam. Not even a little. You're the only girl I have ever loved. But I guess you're not a girl anymore. You're a woman.

Please know that none of this is to try and get you back. It is quite the opposite in fact. You have to stay away from me. While I'll admit that I'm not crazy about the idea of you and Fez, or you and any other guy for that matter, I'm glad that you're happy with him. You deserve happiness. If he is the one who can give it to you, then so be it. I'm proud of you for not giving up all together and finding someone who will respect you. Fez is a good guy. I know he won't hurt you. I'm glad about that.

I know you better than you may think, so I know what you may be thinking while reading this: that you want to get back together with me. Please don't think that. The only reason I'm writing you this letter is so that you can understand why I did all that I did.

I need you to hate me. Despise me. Loathe me. If you don't, if you still care about me and we become friends, then I know what will happen. I know our track record. It will lead to disaster. I can't do that to you.

I guess this letter my change your mind about things, but I just honestly believe you have the right to know all of this, which is why I am telling you all of this. But I still need you to hate me. If you don't and we get close again, then I can't promise you that I will be able to control myself. I still and always will be in love with you, Jackie.

You've helped me through so much in my life. I wouldn't have half if not more of the things and people in my life that I do now if it weren't for you. You're amazing. Please know that. And know that I am not. I'm a disgusting coward. Please be disgusted with me so that you can move on and I can live my life knowing that you have moved on.

I don't think I will ever love another woman the way I loved you, which means that I don't think I will ever really, truly love another woman. But I don't want that to stop you from loving another guy the way I know now that you loved me. I want you to love with all your heart the way you are capable of. We're done, so you don't have to worry about getting hurt that badly ever again. Fez will treat you right. He'll treat you the way I never did, but wish I had.

I know I've asked a lot of you in my life, but I'm asking for one more thing. Please stay away from me as best you can and I will do the same. Remember all that I did to hurt you and feel nothing for me but hate. Please just hate me and live a happy life.

I will love you always, as you should hate me,

Steven.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so that I don't lose my head_

_They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone_

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain_

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?_

_And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? _

_And will you never try to reach me?_

_It is I that wanted space_

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways _

_Yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_I'm sober now for three whole months. It's one accomplishment that you helped me with _

_The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again_

_In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night_

_While I was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight_

_You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate_

_You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take_

_So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways_

_Yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you _

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I made_

_And like a baby boy I never was a man_

_Until I saw your blues eyes cry and I held your face in my hand_

_And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"_

_Just make a smile and come back and shine just like it used to be_

_And then she whispered, "How could you do this to me?" _

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

_Hate me in ways_

_Yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_For you_

_For you_

_For you_

Note: Let me know what you think. Get it. Got it. Good.


End file.
